Rosemarygoestothemall.com

Depressed about the state of her finances, Rosemary begins her shopping today in a foul mood. Things start to look up at Vääse, where she buys a Chinese three-legged frog which the saleslady promises will bring her good luck and, more importantly, money. Her state of mind improves as she fulfills her dream of finally owning real beach towels at Marshall’s, experiences seven blissful minutes in an Aquamassage machine, and then finds a package of candy cigarettes at Sweet B. Total spent: $269.45. Total returned: $111.81.

Rosemary discovers the unadulterated joys of pure oxygen at Oxynate, an oxygen bar on the 3rd floor of the Mall. Buoyed by waves of freshness, all she really wants to do is call everyone she knows and tell them about how awesome she feels. She forces herself to keep shopping, winding her way to Radio Shack, where, having lost all sense of propriety, she drops $580 on a Magellan Portable Auto Navigation System. Total spent: $705.67. Total returned: $640.49.

Rejuvenated after hitting rock bottom her last few visits, Rosemary finds meaning today by shopping for the best value in each store. Successes for the day include five dollar sports bras at the Finish Line, socks for Evan with a one year guarantee against holes at Kids’ Foot Locker, and a ten dollar canvas bag at Bijou Bijou. Rosemary proves herself to be made of slightly weaker stuff at the Watch Station, where she purchases a $380 watch for Keith. She has her first flirtation with Gravis sneakers at Shi. Total spent: $772.89. Total returned: $738.24.

Rosemary is completely, utterly sick of shopping. While an excellent parking space and a Hello Kitty waffle maker make for a promising start, she quickly gets beaten down by the bottomless kitsch of an endless supply of Minnesota themed stores. A discount Rolling Stones CD, an uninspired Swatch, and toy ray guns for the boys top the list of non-kitsch merchandise for the day. Rosemary is charmed by a velvet bag full of stones she buys at Outfitters. Total spent: $270.29. Total returned: $230.43.

Rosemary can’t seem to get any momentum going on her first day in the second half of the Mall. Genuine fake diamonds at Diamonique, fashion tape at Glitz, and bath bombs at Basin all seem hum-drum, until she stumbles upon her find of the day: a shot shell toilet seat at Minnesot-ah! She sees her first good-looking man at the Mall at Johnston & Murphy. Total spent: $325.59. Total returned: $276.79.

Sick of handbags, and lacking focus, Rosemary tries to buy something at each store which will improve the quality of life for her and her loved ones. Keene sandals at the Walking Store for Keith, a bug jar at the Rainforest Café for Garrett, and a totally hot pair of Lucky Brand Jeans for herself seem to fit the bill. At the end of her shopping, she finds herself halfway around the Mall. Total spent: 841.17. Total returned: 642.18.

Rosemary is having a fat day, and doesn’t feel like trying anything on. After purchasing a bag of chocolates at Lindt, she decides to buy a handbag at every store to avoid encounters with the mirror. In reaction to her great experience at Thomas Kinkade Gallery the previous day, she also resolves to have a conversation with someone in each store. She fondles the most beautiful writing instrument she’s ever seen at Paradise Pen. Total spent: $806.95. Total returned: $791.77.

The third floor once again offers a potpourri of random experiences, with highlights at Nascar Motor Speedway and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. When Rosemary stumbles on the Chapel of Love, she becomes lost in deep contemplation of Minnesota’s five day waiting period for a marriage license, and the ramifications of that on the Chapel's ability to compete with Las Vegas as a wedding venue. She finishes her day basking in the golden glow of the paintings at the Thomas Kinkade Gallery. Total spent: $607.44. Total returned: $517.58.

Rosemary is crabby again, but her efforts to expose the decay of American culture perk her up. After getting herself some well-needed new bras at Victoria’s Secret, she begins to explore the world of shallow materialism and bad taste. Birthday cake flavor spray at Le Gourmet Chef, a $110 Stella McCartney yoga mat at Paiva, and a gold lame bikini at Guess top the list for the day. Total spent: $776.18. Total returned: $511.96.

Rosemary’s mom comes along for the ride, but ditches her as soon as they get to the Mall to go shopping for walking shoes. Even a black video ipod can’t get Rosemary going, as she resigns herself to one more boring day of shopping by herself. By the end of a very low-energy, negative, and disappointing day, she gets revitalized by her hatred of Limited Too, resolving to start buying things that represent our decrepit American consumer culture. Total spent: $1,227.48. Total returned: $1,189.26.